So... Misha convinced me. *sigh* She said if I had time to update my blogs on myspace, why don't I just update them on livejournal too?? Geez.. Misha... do you have an influence on me or WHAT? ;) haha!

Okay, soooo.. a lot has happened in my life!! I'm just gonna say... summer was good. Worked full time. Saw some friends. All good. School started. Started off okay. But then I got into a big things with my roommates after a month and moved out really quickly. I had found a notebook they had written letters to each other in and about 10 pages of it was all bad stuff about me.. how I'm such a "selfish bitch" and how they wanted to punch me, how I don't have any friends and don't know what a true friendship is, and that I don't know how to act "normal" and never can. It was AMAZINGLY horrible. I left right away and haven't really talked to them ever since. I've seen Amy about three times since, but we haven't hung out or anything. I do miss her. I don't hold grudges, so I have nothing against her really. Just would be hard for me to totally trust her again...

I've been pretty much alone here in San Jose. Matt's come over once and has kept in touch. Philip has helped me out a couple times and hung out every now and then, and I've gone over to Rock and Nick's place every now and then. Casey and I met up for dinner once. But there's no friend here who is my best friend. No one who I can hang out with every day, and I need that. Everyone needs a best friend like that.

For the last month, I've skipped school. Not done homework. I stay inside most of the weekdays and sleep. Sometimes I just would rather stay sleeping and live in my dreams than go out in the real world. It's sad. sometimes, I'll get a surprise and I'll be excited for a couple days, happy, but then I'll get into a depressed mood again and not want to do anything or see anyone.

So my parents with me yesterday to see a therapist for the first time. She told me I have a case of depression. So she signed some papers so I can give them to my teachers to withdraw from some classes instead of failing. I'm going to see her once every week. So good I can do that. I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to be back to my optimistic self. I've been looking at everything in negative ways this year. Things got bad, and then they'd get better, and then all of the sudden something else bad would happen. It all just piled up, and I couldn't deal with the emotions. I just keep putting myself down. And thats not good. So i'm glad I'm gonna get that fixed with the help of this therapist. I just hate knowing that something is actually wrong with me. I've tried to hide it to my family and friends so much, but of course, my family can see right through my masks of happiness.

Sarah and I are going to go to LA next weekend. Hopefully hang out with Brian and Dallas from SL! :) I can't wait! They're the sweetest guys ever! It would make me so happy to see them. Last time I saw them at the HelL3 show, I fell asleep smiling. :-D I take any chance I can to talk to those guys, and the performances they have is just a bonus to their incredible selves. :)

I'm totally addicted to myspace. I blame it on Toshiko. She made me get into it. haha I don't even know why it's so addicting... I just always have to check to see who's on and my messages and people's pictures and blogs and everything. :)
  • Current Music
    All American Rejects

nothing much happening

Haven't updated my journal for months!! HEY EVERYONE!!

Sooooo let's see, where to begin? My last journal was about Matt, so I'll start there. He's a jerk. That's it. We're still friends, but we don't hang around each other much anymore and have our own lives now. He likes to keep up with my life though, make sure he knows everything I do. Amy, a friend on my floor, and I always complain about him to each other. She knows everything that happened between me and Matt, so it's easy to talk to her about it all. We both think he's a jerk for using me. I get annoyed at him easily now.

At the KGB Livermore show, Matt went with his girlfriend and saw Toby and me talking, so ever since then, he's all of the sudden acting like we were before I got mad at him and all.. like we both still like each other or something. I guess he got a little jealous seeing me talking to Toby and the other guys in the band and is trying to get me back or something. It's kind of funny. hehe So easy to get to him!

Saw Toshiko a lot during Spring Break! Loved that! I've missed her so much! We both have guys in our lives now, so we're having fun talking about that kind of stuff, FINALLY! That was the one bad thing about being in an all girl school... have no idea what to do with guys, until now! :)

I've been going to Solemite's house more than I used to. I love their new house and I'm just having a lot more fun at shows lately. I guess I had gotten a little tired of them for a couple months last year... when I stopped going and Sarah would go instead. For some reason, they just didn't seem very appealing to me, but all of the sudden now, I'm LOVING them. I mean, I've ALWAYS loved Solemite and the KGB, but just didn't have fun. This time, I'm having the time of my life at the shows and at the party afterwards. Plus, maybe it's because I'm seeing Nora and Misha and Cassi and Jessie and Tanner and Daniel and Erin and Cody and EVERYONE again and I've missed everyone soooooooo much! :)

My roommate, Brittney, and I saw a very sad movie today in my "Creating a Meaningful Life" class. It was called "Tuesdays with Morrie" and was about a dying Professor teaching his old student the meaning of life and death. At the very end of it, he was talking about death and about best friends and about being able to say good bye, and both Britt and I weren't really thinking of being sad for the old man in the movie. Instead, we just thought about Kelly. She tapped me on the shoulder and whispered to me "I know you're thinking about Kell... I am, too" and I turned around to give her a smile but we both were having tears spilling out of our eyes. It's still hard once in awhile. I'll listen to a song and start bawling or just be by myself and think too much and start sobbing by myself. I then go find a hug somewhere on my floor. hehe

My friend, Philip, is the best friend I could ever have. I have such a huuuuge crush on him too. He's perfect. He's a wonderful guy. During Spring Break, my friends' friend died of lung cancer and it just hurt because all the pain from when Kell died came back and it was like double the pain almost for a couple days because I REALLY do NOT want my friends to feel that pain and I knew they were and I wanted to take it away from them. No one so young should die, first of all, and no one our age should feel that pain of losing someone too. It's so hard. So anyway, I called Philip that night hoping I could see him, but he was in Walnet Creek with friends, so he talked to me for like half an hour or so on the phone and then the next night he took me out to cheer me up. He's always there for me. I love him for it and love him for him. He's such a great guy. I'd totally like, marry him. hehe

That's my life right now. Nothing huge or anything. Going to go to the Solemite show this Saturday with Sarah! Can't wait! Love you, Sarah!!
  • Current Music

(no subject)

I'm sooo confused. I like Matt SOOOOOOO much, but all of the sudden everything's so different. It's so confusing. Last week, it felt like we were a couple. Kissing all the time, holding hands.. I missed him so much when we went back home and I wasn't around him all the time. I like Philip too, but not as much as Matt. I saw Phil today when I was with Matt. Phil's a good friend. Matt's a best friend. I would go out with Philip if he asked me to, but I don't know if I'd like him that way or not. With Matt, I know I like him and I know his kisses. I know that I miss him when I'm not around him and I know I get jealous when he's with other girls. With Philip, he makes me laugh every time I see him or get a voice message from him, he's fun to talk to and be around, but I don't miss him or anything. Also, I've never kissed him, so I wouldn't know about if I like his kisses or not too. I'm so confused. I don't know how to act around Matt since he hasn't kissed me at all since we've been back to the dorms and he didn't kiss me when we were alone in Oakland. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know what I should say to him if I brought it up. Agh. It makes me want to cry being this confused. I wish I didn't like anyone. I wish I didn't know what kissing is like again. This is so hard.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed

(no subject)

I feel like a failure. I have one class as an incomplete and another I have to make a withdrawal from it and take it over again next semester. It's basically because I was sick and missed classes a lot and when I started to get back to classes, Kelly died which made me miss more. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I feel so bad and feel like I'm the worse college student ever. I feel like I'm not supposed to be in college. I wish I could become a singer and just do that as my career. I'd be so much more happier. This really sucks. And I miss Matt.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed

(no subject)

Wowww.. I have soooo much make up work to do. I'm going to write my term paper tomorrow and then work on my art Sunday and study for my swing dance quiz Sunday too. We're leaving Thursday to go to Southern Cali for the funeral. We're going to a Viewing or whatever it's called on Friday and then to the funeral Saturday and then coming back Sunday. It's going to be busy. I can't wait for Thanksgiving vacation to be able to just rest.

Everyone's doing better here. We're all sad, but we're not crying much anymore, just get teary-eyed once in awhile. We're learning slowly how to deal with Kelly. I almost cried earlier today because Britt and I listened to "Angel" and afterwards we talked about how we feel like Kelly's with us all the time. It's weird. We feel her presence with us all the time. And it's not the fake kind of once in awhile you think someone's watching or something. I think she's in all of us. It's comforting. I think she became an angel the instant she died. She was angel in real life anyway.

Matt and I are going to hang out a lot tomorrow. He's gonna help me with my term paper. Then we're gonna go to McDonalds and then watch a movie.

Sarah brought up kissing with Matt on IM last night. I have noooo idea what's going to happen, but it sounds like he's thought about it with me. He said something about talking to me about it tomorrow. I don't know if we'll both just forget about it or actually talk about it.
  • Current Music
    Josh Groban

R.I.P. Kelly Leanne Holt 1985-2003

Sunday night.. I come back to the dorms. My home. Couldn't wait to see Kelly and tell her about my weekend having Matt over. We had been talking about it earlier on the phone the other day. Friday night, she had called me a little after Matt left the house to talk to me about it and to tell me that her roommate's fish were dying. She wouldn't stop screaming every 30 seconds. She was so scared for them. She kept telling me when one would die or when one would start panicking. She didn't know what to do and was freaking out. Her roommate had another fish before that had died, so she didn't want her roommate to come back and see that all her fish were dead. It was sooo funny listening to her tell me what the fish were up to and then scream and call my roommate for help. It gave me a good laugh.

I got back to the dorms around 7:00pm with Matt and went to my room. It felt weird for some reason. Britt, my roommate, told me Kelly was taking a nap. She had been taking a nap since 1:30, so we assumed she REALLY needed her sleep. She's slept that long before, so we didn't think anything of it. I went back to Matt's room to play guitar.

8:00pm: Brittney runs into Matt's room and tells me to come to Kelly's room and that she's sick. I ran as fast as I could, ran into the room to see Kelly sprawled out on the floor.Collapse )
  • Current Music
    "To Where You Are" Josh Groban


Wowww.. I haven't been on this site for a long time! I'm having fun at college. This is my first weekend not going somewhere. I've learned how boring it is here at the dorms during the weekend. Everyone's gone. Well, not everyone. Brian, Nick, Amy, Brett, Oliver, and Brittney are here. But still, that's hardly enough people to have fun with. I don't even like Brett much and Oliver's kind of weird to me. He one time came into my room and just sat and talked, which was pleasant at first, but once it came to be midnight and I wanted to sleep and gave him hints by climbing onto my bed and lying down and saying "I want to go to sleep soon" and "I'm tired!", he began singing songs to me in his horrible-low-operaish-not-in-tune voice. I have no idea why too. So...Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

(no subject)

1. Kissed your cousin: nope
2. Ran away: no
3. Pictured your crush naked: yes
5. Broken someone's heart: yes
6. Been in love: no
7. Cried when someone died: yes
8. Wanted someone: YES
9. Broken a bone: no
11. Lied: yep
12. Cried in school: DEFINITELY

13. Coke or Pepsi: pepsi
14. Sprite or 7UP: sprite Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    tired tired

(no subject)

Wow.. I never knew they changed the website so much. Shows how long it's been since I've been here.

College is great. Love it except for boy problems. I think I'm just not used to the problems liking guys create. I sometimes wish I were back at Holy Names just to have all girls again so theres not boys to worry about. But it is good to have guys around all the time again. It's nice in the dorms too. We're so comfortable around each other. I walk around with no make up, hair all over the place, in my pajamas in the middle of the afternoon and all the guys still call me hot and flirt with me. It's fun pretty much all the time unless no one's around. We have movie nights where some of us just decide to watch a movie and so we gather in one room and watch it together, all of us lying on top of each other, trying to squish into the tiny room. It's fun. We're family. Nick finally found out that I have a twin so the past two days, he's called me Sarah and then says "ohhh no! it's Beth!" and then he talks about how there's two hotties and we need to have Sarah come visit and all. I don't mind him calling me Sarah, but I am kind of annoyed since I thought I was over the people calling me Sarah. I thought I wouldn't have that any more, but I guess not. :) She's with me wherever I go.. there or not. :)

I'm going to an A's game Sunday! Sarah's going to be there too! I can't wait! I was talking to her through email the other night and started to cry just thinking that I'll be able to hug her Sunday. I was so glad no one was with me at the time. I felt like such a wimp. hehe I know I'm going to get at least teary eyed Sunday.

(no subject)

I'm at home right now for the weekend. All of my friends were going home this weekend, so I would've been a loner in the dorms.. with no computer or tv. Perrrrty boring. So I called up Philip and had him take me home! He's so cool. I hope we start hanging out together a lot or something. He'd be such a good friend.. well, he is a friend, but it would be cool if we got to be better friends. He's so funny and I like how he talks a lot,too. I don't like it when it's silent a whole lot and the guy and I have nothing to say. That's just uncomfortable.

I've met a lot of people. Collapse )
  • Current Mood
    happy happy